Some Bali That I Used to know

Come to Bali, throw a party, surf, eat amazing food and then ruin your holiday by going on a detox. Im a little grumpy cause its my first day detoxing with Shuntaya where all I can eat for four days is a variety of herbal pills, runny clay drink, coconut juice and vegetable broth every hour or so. Not even the freakin’ vegetables, just the broth! Never done anything like this properly before. There was that once I started the 7 day detox in a box kit and canned it on the first day because it turned my ass into a tap. That didnt bother me too much, but the fact I was hosting a live national TV show at the time made it difficult.
So my brother Jay and my best buddy Sam and I all decided when hungover after my 40th birthday party that we needed to do a detox. Sam sent me a link for Shuntaya, I booked it. A naturapath by the name of Monica dropped by our villa for a 1 hour consultation with each of us talking to us about what we eat, drink and do to our bodies on a daily basis. Apparently shes e mailing what we need to do on top of the Shuntaya 4 day detox drill. Did I mention I hate getting old. Meh! I thought 1 or two litres of water a day was enough, just found out I am meant to have four litres four being 86 kilos. Whoops, no wonder my kidneys are always sore. Actually that could be tequila, but its good tequila, not that Jose Quervo crap, usually Patron or Mezcal. I digress. So when Monica the naturapath showed up Sam and Jay had locked themselves in their villas threatening an escape to DEUS temple up the road for free taco and tattoo Tuesday. Eventually they were up for the detox or what Monica called a body reset. If only I had a button I could push, only im not that way inclined. over 50 pills later and 11 sloppy metamucil type shakes we get a colonic irrigation tomorrow. Stay tuned.
Day 2
Just woke up to the sound of illegal fireworks being set off outside my villa. Seriously, Its 6am, who lets of fireworks in the day let alone at 6am. Fuck im hungry and grumpy. Must put on a happy face or I’ll scare evryone away. Shake time, oh jeesus, this tastes like ass mixed with off milk. Today is the ass hose out day, colonic irrigation. FAK! Im going back to bed. Alarm goes off at 7, first handfull of pils and thick tasteless detox drink. EW! Do this for a few hours then its time for the first Colon Cleanse. Wow, this is mental. You can actually watch whats coming out, I call it “Poo Tube”. It really is shit television. My brother burst into the clinic with his video camera when I was getting it done. Want to see? If I get any comments asking for the video I’ll upload my download video. Went to have a massage this afternoon and the worst headache I have ever had in my life hit me like a falling Balinese coconut. I had to take a panadol. My friend sam called me a cheat cause its not part of the detox.
Day Three
Woke up feeling pretty good, skipped the crap shake and ran to DEUS Temple up the road from where Im staying in Changuu, its bloody hot, about 31 degrees. Another colonic at 11am which Im kind of dreading. Did the colonic and it was a little more full on. Apparently didnt drink enough water and the clay drink thing was harder in my guts than usual. Fabulous. Betty the clinic ass technician went from massaging my gut to poking my bowel like a remote control that wouldn’t work. I felt violated a little. Its late niw in my room, tomorrow is the last morning if this rectum ritual and then at 11am I am free from Detox hell. Im thinking vietnamese food. I am going to eat it quicker than a……..(insert something really quick here). I cant think.